Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Help! I'm a Control Freak - Message

INTRODUCTION:
I’m attacking head on an issue that hurts, hinders and harms many of us. The issue: Being a Control Freak! Here’s a little test to see if you are a Control Freak:

1. Do you go to the mat to show someone that you are right, even if it’s trivial?
2. Do you feel anxious when someone suggests something different from what you have planned for the day or evening?
3. Do you find yourself constantly finishing other people's sentences?
4. Do you believe that to get things done right you have to do them yourself?
5. Your hair stylist would like to surprise you with a whole new look. Do you go for it?
6. At restaurants, do you order dressings and sauces "on the side"?
7. Do you think the world would be a better place if you ran it?

Score: 0-2 Yes – Not a Control Freak
3-4 Yes – A sometimes Control Freak
5+ Yes – You really need this message

We can kid around a lot about being a control freak, but the truth is: Being a control freak hurts you and it hurts those around you. Even more serious, it messes up your relationship with God.

The first issue I want to hit on – extremely briefly is…
I. What Does a Control Freak DO to Make Them a Control Freak:

We all pretty much know what Control Freaks do.

They seek to find security through controlling, manipulating and managing people, circumstances and things around them. Control Freaks feel out of control, so they seek to find control any way that they can.

Some Control Freaks do it AGGRESSIVELY: They demand, they yell, they scream, they whine, they manipulate – in order to achieve their personal agendas.

Other Control Freaks do it PASSIVE AGGRESSIVELY: Wikipedia defines passive aggressive behavior this way: “Someone who engages in passive-aggressive behavior will typically not confront others directly about problems, but instead will attempt to undermine their confidence or their success through comments and actions which, if challenged, can be explained away innocently so as not to place blame on the passive-aggressive person.”

Whether you are AGGRESSIVE or PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE either way you’ve got a problem that needs HELP!

II. Why Control Freaks DO What They Do:
The MOTIVATION or REASONS behind being a CONTROL FREAK is vital to understand.

As I’ve thought about it, I believe that there are two PRIMARY reasons with tons of secondary reasons why people choose to be CONTROL FREAKS:

One is FALSE INFORMATION and the other is FEAR-BASED LIVING.

Let’s talk about what I mean by…
1. False information

As human beings we are exposed to a variety of STIMULI in which we must live and respond. Eskimo’s living in the frozen northern world have scores of different words for SNOW, while African tribal people’s living in the Sahara desert region have NO word for SNOW. Different stimuli creates different responses.

I grew up in a fairly stable lower-middle income, anglo, Church-going Southern California family. Dad worked. Mom stayed home. I was the third child of three. We lived in the same home my entire childhood and I went to the same schools all the way through.

Now, that’s where the FALSE INFORMATION comes in. I believed a somewhat IDLYIC and ROSE COLORED story.

I’ll never forget when I was a Youth Pastor and I went to a conference where they said: “1 out of 4 teen age girls has been sexually molested. And 1 out of 7 boys have been.” I was absolutely blown away. I couldn’t believe it. I thought: “No way!” Why? Because it didn’t fit within my frame of reference – or my stimuli. But, over the years, my frame of reference changed. In fact, I would suggest that those numbers were too conservative. As I’ve ministered to hundreds and hundreds of people over the years, I am NEVER shocked by the horrific stories of unthinkable abuse that I hear about.

And, as a result, Control Freaks believe – based upon that false information – that the only way to have any kind of quality life, we must manage, manipulate and control the people, places and things around us. Ultimately, we seek to CONTROL in order to make sense of our world.

The second reason we seek to control is…
2. Fear-based living
It’s really a scary world. There are a lot of bad things that happen. Women and girls get raped. Drunk drivers take out whole families. People who have labored for 20-25 years in a career get told on Friday not to come back on Monday.

So we try to overcome the fear by exerting CONTROL over what little dominion we can.

The problem is being in CONTROL is an illusion. You aren’t in control of anything. I wasn’t in control of having cancer – nor was I in control of the results of the treatment – either temporary or permanent. You aren’t in control of the economy, the weather, a tire blowing out on your car, how your kids come out, whether you live to 30 or 90.

Control is an illusion. And the sooner we come to terms with this the better.

III. So, What’s the Solution?
To overcome false information that leads to fear-based living, I believe that you’ve got to…
1. See God for who He really is

I say this because I see being a Control Freak as a SPIRITUAL ISSUE. To be a Control Freak is to deny that maybe – just maybe – God has something to say about your life. And the reason that most of us deny this is because we do not see Him as He really is.

Or, I could put it this way: We believe in a false God.

There’s all kinds of False gods running around masquerading as the True God.
• Angry God
• Perfectionist God
• God Who Behaves A Lot Like My Drunk Dad (or you fill in the blank)

I don’t want to spend too much time on the False god – I want to point you to Who He Really is. I want you to see Him for who He really is.

So WHO Is He?
God is Love
“Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.” 1 John 4:8-10, NIV.

God is Mercy
“But I, by your great mercy, will come into your house; in reverence will I bow down towards your holy temple.” Psalms 5:7, NIV.

“His mercy flows in wave after wave on those who are in awe before him.” Luke 1:50 Message

God is Kind and Watches Over Us
“You gave me life and showed me kindness, and in your care you watched over my life.” Job 10:12 NCV

God is On Our Side
“So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us?” Romans 8:31-32 Message

God is Faithful
“God is faithful. He has chosen you to share life with his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.” 1 Cor. 1:9 NIRV

Right now it is time to REPENT of your false God and EMBRACE Him for Who He truly is! You will never be FREE until you SEE God for WHO He truly is!

PRAY: Abba, I’ve believed a lie. And right now I want you to know that I am embracing you for who you really are: You are love, you are mercy, you are kind and you are faithful. You are so much more than I dreamed. Show me – in the depths of my body, soul and spirit the reality of Who you are. I love you. Amen.

Secondly, having come to believe in Him for who He truly is – you must…
2. Place faith in Him to do what He promises

It is one thing to SAY you believe, it is another to live in faith. ACTION must follow belief.

Listen to the Word of the Lord:
“Faith and understanding rest on the hope of eternal life. Before time began, God promised to give that life. And he does not lie.” Titus 1:2 NIRV

What part of that verse did the Holy Spirit illuminate for you? How about this: “He does not lie!”

Whatever God has promised – He will do.

Control Freaks – it’s time for you to let go of control and TRUST that what God has promised will actually come to be in your life.

He asks you to TRUST Him. To stop trying to take things into your own hands and instead to RELEASE control into His.

Right now – think about the THING in your life that is making you crazy. It’s time to exercise FAITH and to RELEASE that thing into God’s hand through FAITH.

Pray with me: “Lord God – you know far more than I do about this situation. I’m letting go of control and and choosing to BELIEVE that You will keep your promises at the perfect moment. Free me from the compulsion to control and build my faith instead. In Jesus Name – Amen.”

Now, in order to truly let go of the need to control, there is another step that must be taken – over and over and over and over again:
3. Die to self

So long as self runs the show, you’ll stay a Control Freak. Why are you so stressed? Why are you so upset? Why are you so depressed? Because you are a Control Freak and you are trying to determine the outcomes of your life.

Jesus offers you the antidote:
“If your first concern is to look after yourself, you'll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you'll find both yourself and me.” Matthew 10:39 Message

The NIV puts it this way:
“Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” Matthew 10:39, NIV.

Dying to self sounds so negative. And, truthfully, it is painful. But the payoff is amazing.

Paul put it this way:
“Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.” Philippians 4:6-7 Message

I told you last week that I had a story to tell you about from two Sunday’s ago. Well, now is the time:
I haven’t been able to eat much in the way of solid foods since late July. I’d see commercials for food on TV and it was making me crazy. I found myself fixating on food. I had a whole list of restaurants and food that I was going to rush out and eat at as soon as I could eat. I was getting increasingly frustrated that weekend. And I was cranky as a result. I was snapping at my family. I was impatient. I was a jerk.

And then there was a second thing: The church finances. Our giving has been dramatically impacted in a negative direction. We are falling behind again. Now, what I should have done was communicate the need and turn over the results to God. But, no. I’m a Control Freak. I think at some level that this is my problem to fix. And after that Sunday’s offering, I was in a miserable mood. And once again, I was a jerk to my family. In fact, when we got home from church I went to my room, and everyone stayed far, far away.

After awhile, I mustered up the energy to get in the shower. The shower is like a mini-retreat for me. After 10 or 15 minutes I heard the voice of the Lord say to me: “Doug, you are under a major assault from the enemy.” I was stunned. Of course, that’s it! The true Doug isn’t a jerk. The true Doug doesn’t snap at his family. The true Doug is a man of faith. Why I hadn’t realized that this was spiritual warfare, I do not know. But as soon as the Lord spoke it, it made perfect sense to me. It was like suddenly the lights went on. It took another 5 minutes or so before I stood in faith and spoke the words that lead to freedom: “Satan, in the name of Jesus, get out of here!” And as soon as those words were spoken in faith, clarity, peace, calm and ease came to me.

And then, the Lord spoke to me again: “Doug, I want you to call _____________ and ask for some money for the church.” This particular family used to be a part of Summit, but have for several years continued to tithe to us, even without attending. They had not sent a check since June, and Beth and thought – in the flesh – that they were done with us. Two and a half years ago, after leaving the building on Arrow, I vowed never to call anyone again and ask for money. I used to do it a lot, and I hated it. I didn’t go into ministry to ask people for money. So, when the Lord spoke that to me I was resistant. I was concerned that it was my FLESH seeking a solution. And I sure didn’t want to do that. But I checked it again and again with the Lord and He continue to reassure me that it was Him speaking.

So, I figured, if I’m going to be obedient to the Word of the Lord, I’d better do it now, before I chicken out. So, I went to my room, and called them. The husband answered on the first ring and immediately said: “Doug, it’s great to hear from you!” He inquired about my health and I updated him. Then I got to the salient part: I’ll call the man “Bob” – “Bob,” I said, “you always have told me that if I ever need anything not to hesitate to ask.” And he said: “That’s right, Doug, what do you need?” And with tears running down my face, I gulped out one word: “Money.” Bob then said words that I did not expect to hear: “Doug, I’m so sorry, this is my fault, I have a stack of tithe checks on my desk that I’ve been meaning to mail, and I’ve been remiss. I’m so sorry.” And then he said: “I’ll talk to my wife, make sure that we are up to date and mail them tomorrow.” Again, with tears and much emotion I spoke these words: “Bob, I need it tomorrow.” He said: “We’ll make it happen. Let me call you back.” A few minutes later he called back and said that the checks would be delivered to my house that night. And they were - $2500.00

After we hung up, I was emotionally rung out. Laying on my bed exhausted and grateful. And then the Lord spoke this to me: Right out of John 12:24-25:

“I tell you the truth, unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.” John 12:24, 25, NIV.

Do you see the point? God is killing me. He is killing the false self. He is killing the old man. He is killing the poser that wants to run my life. Why would God do such a thing? Because the man of the Spirit is so much better. Because when I live in Christ, my life has much fruit. Because He loves me too much to leave me like I am.

I had a death experience that day. And since then a couple of things have happened: One, without trying to control it, daily I am able to eat a little more than I could. Secondly, peace within has been restored. I’ve been a lot happier and lot more at ease. And I haven’t snapped at my family nearly as much.

CONCLUSION:
What about you? Where do you need to die? What do you need to let go of in order that Christ might live more in your life?

PRAY: God reveal those areas of my life that I’m controlling, and love me enough to kill me. I want to life in You and not in the flesh. So, here I am, open, willing, a little afraid, but I want to die, that you might live. Thank you that you love me enough to kill off the phony, the false and the lesser, that I might experience the authentic, the truth and the greater. In Jesus Name, Amen.

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